Resilience

Resilience. We all think we know what it is and most of us will probably think we have is by the bucket load. But with this uncertain time we are being challenged even more so. I’m not going into a debate about Covid-19 and whether we should open back up, etc. You already have your thoughts and opinions on that fucker. One thing we can all probably agree on is that is has been right pain in the dick (or another area of the body should you be dickless).

But what the fuck is resilience? Is it being tough? Putting up with shit? Taking on whatever gets thrown at us? Manning up??

A definition of resilience is the ‘capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness’. Well that is just great, but we know it’s important to be resilient to keep ourselves protected from the shit that can swirl around our heads and take us down a dark path. Being resilient is easy, yeah???

But you and I know that it is not easy to be resilient all the time. We are more than aware of the impact this whole situation is having on mental health and the worrying trend of male suicides isn’t going anywhere soon. So what does it take to develop resiliency?

There’s multiple ways of developing this inner resolve, strength even. Experiences can give people more resilience. Here’s the thing though, do we actually develop a true resilience to the shit that is thrown at us? Or, do we find a way to cope, deal with and not truly move on. Be honest here, how many people have had something happen that has challenged you? and you initially go “Fuck it” and move on, but later that night the scenario is playing on you God damn mind. Spinning and causing all kinds of shit. And then you start making crazy ass scenarios like you’re some kind of action hero?

I’ve been there. My main shit was dealing with a custody battle for my kids. That thing nearly ended me. I was fortunate to have support to get me through it, but it was also at this point I reflected on how I use to be able to deal with shit. Deal with it if I had to and then put it in a box and move on.

I managed children’s homes in the past and had a pretty successful career from it. My background qualifications are in psychology and counselling. Basically, I’m saying I can back what I’m going to tell you up with proper knowledge that has been used in real life. But you’re not a kid. I know that, but these 5 areas of personal development are the same no matter how much of an adult you think are.

As men, and I make no apology for writing this for men, in the main we suck at managing our feelings, our emotions. We could say we lack emotional intelligence. Emotional Intelligence can be broken down into 5 areas. And I truly believe that if you can improve in these 5 areas you will be able to deal with shit far better. You will become way more resilient, than you’ve ever been and being resilient is one key to survival, but I don’t just want you to survive, I want you to live a full fucking life. Also,what makes this even better, you can keep getting better at them every single day. You can max out and PB on these all the time, unlike your deadlifts.

1. Self Awareness – by this we mean we recognise how we feel. Its ok to feel like shit. Its ok to feel angry. But we have to recognise these fucking feelings. Why? because once you recognise them, acknowledge them, then you can manage them. They don’t control you. You are the master of you. So your emotional awareness increases. And, you gain self confidence because you become sure of your self worth. That’s the 2 major elements of Self Awareness.

2. Self Regulation – the UK readers might think ‘what the fuck are you on about?!’ but hear me out. Self Regulation is very much an Americanism. If you struggle to Self Regulate or Self Manage then emotions and feeling will stay with you longer making you less resilient. You have little control of when you experience emotions but you can control them and often techniques can be used to support you Self Regulating (such as positive self talk, yeah talk to your fucking self; removing yourself from the situation, music, and more complex techniques).

Self Regulation involves:

Self Control- Managing disruptive impulses

Trustworthiness- Maintaining standards of honesty and integrity

Conscientiousness- Taking responsibility for own performance

Adaptability- Handling change with flexibility

Innovation- Being open to new ideas

Two down and we are sounding like we are building that resilience.

3. Motivated – to motivate yourself for any achievement requires clear goals and a positive attitude. Even though you might naturally have a negative attitude we can, with practice, improve to think more positively. If you catch negative thoughts has they happen you can reframe them, manage them and make them into a positive. See how these are tying into together. A whole package to make you the most resilient fucker you can be.

Motivation is made up of:

Achievement Drive – Your constant drive to improve or meet a standard of excellence.

Commitment – Aligning with the goals of the group. Or even in more simple terms, your relationships.

Initiative – Readying yourself for opportunities.

Optimism – pursuing goals despite obstacles and setbacks

We are cooking now lads. We’re more aware, we know some shit to become more resilient. Let’s crack on.

4. Empathy – the one you might think sounds soft as shite, but do not skip this one! The ability to know how others feel is so important to your relationships and will prevent so many challenging situations. This is the time when you ask if she’s ok and she says she’s fine and she certainly is not. The more you become aware of the signals of other people’s feelings the better you can control the signals you can send them. If I was better at this 10 years a go I probably would still be divorced but it would have been a whole lot more amicable.

Someone who displays empathy has

Service Orientation – Anticipates and recognises other peoples needs

Developing Others – sensing what others need and bolstering them their abilities

Leveraging Diversity – cultivating ideas through diverse people

Political Awareness – not political correctness but being aware of the groups feelings at that point in time. So, no foot in mouth moments, well maybe a few

Understanding Others – telling the difference between needs and wants of others.

Empathy is a great preventative tool to conflict. Avoiding causing unnecessary shit that in turn makes you feel shit. YOU CAN’T KEEP DRINKING FROM THE RESLIENCE WELL. Give yourself some tools to keep you right.

5. Social Skills – this is not going out and sinking 10 pints at 20 shots and snorting a line off a strippers arse. This is one area most of you will be aware of. Develop those people skills. But they are a little more in-depth than just having friends.

Influence – having effective persuasion tactics

Communication – sending clear messages

Leadership – Inspiring the fuck out people

Change Catalyst – Initiating change in others and yourself and managing change

Conflict Management – Understanding, negotiating and resolving beef

Building Bonds – making new connections and keeping them positive

Collaboration and Co-operation – working with others to shared goals

Team Capabilities – Creating a togetherness to achieve goals

Developing your Social Skills is going to make you so much more resilient as you will be so more aware of others, you’ll have more positive relationships with less conflict. You’ll be more confident in more surroundings too. You’re fight or flight dilemma won’t be an issue.

We have got through a lot. To recap – resiliency is a great tool to have and something that needs developing for you to able to cope with any shit thrown your way. You can move forward and crack on with life. By improving the 5 key areas, Self Awareness; Self Regulation; Motivation; Empathy; Social Skills, not only are we improving our ability to be resilient but we are also going to hugely reduce the need to be resilient as we won’t have to keep going down that road. You will be, in general, happier, more confident, driven, have better relationships and looking forward to each day.

I’m going to tell you how you can achieve all of the above in a series of eBooks that will be available soon. In addition to these, there will be dedicated books for coaches and athletes that use the above to help you (and your clients) reach their goals.

Should you need to talk to someone please do not hesitate to do so. Your emotional and mental health are important.

Author: Denis Brown aka President of The Bastards

Denis has extensive experience of working with and in social care and mental health settings and holds a Diploma in Psychology and Counselling, A degree in Social Work and has been a Registered Ofsted Manager for Children’s Homes that have achieved Outstanding along with other various NVC/QCF qualifications in this field